Tomorrow
by Ennerida
Summary: This is set after Kesprytt. Beverly breaks down, while Jean Luc is dating someone. Please read the note at the beginning ofthe story! I'm deeply sorry, there won't be an update any time soon read the reasons on the review site.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** Paramount owns Star Trek - do I need to say more?

**Note:** This story deals with SI. I don't want to offend anyone, seriously. I have my own experiences with the subject and tried to somehow get them on paper. Not everything that is in this story comes from my own contact with SI, some things are added or changed but still I attempted to keep things close to reality. I know I am not very good at writing and frankly this story is more for me than anyone else (please don't ask why I am posting it in the first place). If you have something nice to say feel free to comment, if you don't like my writing or the story or whatever- keep it to yourself. Thx.

**Summary:** This is set after Kesprytt. Beverly breaks down, while Jean-Luc is dating someone.

**Tomorrow**

By Ennerida

Beverly turned in her bed to look at the chronometer.

0200 hours. _Damn._

Another sleepless night. She got up, made herself a cup of tea and went to the sofa. _What is wrong with me?_ She was tired yet it was impossible for her to get a good night's sleep. In fact she hadn't slept more than three or four hours a night for at least three weeks now. Every single time she tried to sleep, nightmares came haunting her, causing her to wake up.

Not that she didn't know why. She knew exactly the reasons for her lack of sleep and all her other problems.

It started the night after Kesprytt. The night of the biggest mistake she had made in her entire life.

'_Maybe we should be afraid.'_

What is that supposed to mean? She had played the situation over and over in her head but it didn't make things better.

Jean- Luc loved her.

She had felt it that day. She had had the chance to build a relationship with him and yet she backed out of it- leaving him in his quarters. Their friendship had not been the same from then on. She had been afraid that she would lose her best friend when she allowed the relationship, and now she had lost him not allowing it. They rarely shared breakfast or spent time together any longer. He always excused himself being busy or already having a date- yes, he was having dates. It was not as serious as with Nella or Vash but nevertheless they were there. Well, at least she hoped they were not serious. He was dating someone from engineering. She didn't know whom exactly- because he didn't talk to her about it and because she didn't listen to ship's gossip.

Beverly herself almost never got in touch with other people anymore. She kept to herself, always working. She was working a lot. Staying extra shifts in sickbay and spending the rest of her time doing research or other work in her quarters. She stopped working only to sleep.

The other big problem was that she did not eat. Usually she simply forgot it while working but sometimes when she remembered she did feel sick or just not hungry. So she ate only enough to keep her going, the thought of food already making her stomach turn.

She looked out at the stars, feelings of loneliness, fear and guilt coming over her. She was scared that her friendship with Jean-Luc was over. Every time she thought of him a she told herself that it was her own fault and that he deserved better than her. Why did she have to walk out on him? No wonder she was so lonely. Beverly found it impossible to talk to anyone about her feelings, except this one person. She knew he was the only one who could help her but he had moved on. He was happy with another woman and she would die alone. Beverly sighed deeply and wiped at her tears, asking herself how she had come to such a sorry state of affairs.

As her feelings intensified she broke down sobbing. It took her a long time before she was able to calm herself and even then it was hard for her to control her tears and her emotions. She went to the bathroom- knowing she would do it again.

**It was already** 0530 when she took a shower and got dressed. She hadn't slept any more and one look in the mirror told her that it was not enough. She could clearly see how much weight she had lost and decided she required some extra make up and layers of clothing to hide that fact. She was pale and dark circles showed under her eyes. She undressed again putting on another shirt and trousers. It also gave her some extra warmth she badly needed. As she applied her make up she pondered about her situation. Being a doctor it wasn't hard for her to imagine that what she was doing damaged her body and she knew how dangerous it was. Still she put the thought aside and studied her reflection once more before leaving for sickbay.

Beverly spent most of her shift in her office going through all the files of Enterprises crewmen. Physicals were just over and now all the data had to be typed into the computer, patient who were sick re-checked and everything cleaned up. This was a work that usually took about four to five weeks and she had always been glad to be done with it, but right now she was happy to have an excuse not to hover around sickbay all the time. She had Dr. Selar spent most of the time with the patients and was only called to emergencies.

That way she kept away from crewmembers without it looking like she was avoiding them. It gave her time alone and no one had the chance to take a closer look at her and possibly notice the changes she was going through.

She even managed to avoid meeting Deanna while she hid her emotions from her- ironically by a technique Deanna herself had taught her. Yet it was getting harder and harder to do this as her strength weakened in time. Only at night, when Deanna was asleep she let go.

At 2000 hours she left sickbay. Her staff had gotten used to her unusual working habits and most of them didn't notice her presence anyway so there were no surprised stares or glances at her for having been there for so long. She walked down the corridor towards her quarters when she suddenly bumped into Deanna.

"Beverly!" She looked at Deanna trying her hardest not to show any sign of discomfort.

"Hi Deanna. How are you?" She closely studied her face.

"I'm doing just fine. But how about you? I scarcely even get to see you. Are you okay?"

Deanna was worried. Even though she could not read her friend's feelings- or maybe _because_ she could not read them- her instincts told her something was wrong. Beverly looked the same as always, but still there was something about her that made Deanna worry.

Beverly tried to dissolve her friend's anxiety and smiled.

"I'm fine. Thank you. Your really have nothing to worry about."

It was a lie but still the best thing she could come up with for the moment. Deanna did not at all look satisfied, so Beverly decided it better to get out of the situation.

"Deanna, it was nice to see you, but I really have to go right now. I still have some things to do and I want to go to bed early tonight. I see you soon!"

And with that, she hurried away, leaving Deanna wondering.

Deanna was sure that something was wrong. She had never seen her friend like that and her guts told her that this was serious. From experience she knew that asking Beverly herself would not help her. If she blocked her emotions she really did not want to talk about what was bothering her. She continued to walk but by now she had forgotten where she wanted to go.

**While Deanna walked** down the corridor, deeply in thought, Beverly sat in her bathroom trying to swallow her upcoming tears. In her right hand she held a razor blade while she faced her naked arm. Then, almost as if someone else was moving her hand, she saw the blade press down on her arm and felt pain emerging from the cut. She held her arm over her bath tub to prevent the blood from dropping on the floor. As she watched the blood drip from her arm, relief came over her and the tears were forgotten. She leaned her head back and for just a moment enjoyed the feeling of calmness spreading over her. She managed to forget all her worries and fears for just a short time.

After a while she caught herself and carefully sealed the cut with her dermal regenerator until she was sure there would be no scarring. Some advantages to being a doctor. As she got up she felt a wave of dizziness hit her. She held on to the sink until she was stable enough to stand alone. Then she cleaned the tub and put her dermal regenerator away before she hid the blade in her cabinet.

Beverly knew she was not able to work any more in her condition so she decided to go to bed and sleep. She didn't even bother to undress before she fell across her bed, totally exhausted.

**Jean- Luc Picard** sat on the couch in his quarters and reflected the past three weeks. He had just ended his relationship with Lieutenant Sara Nates, knowing that he could never truly love her. He thought it was unfair to her if he kept on pretending to have more feelings for her than he actually had. Deep inside she had known it all along as well as he had. His only love in life was Beverly Crusher. He wondered if things could ever come back to normal. He missed her dearly, knowing that his fling with Lieutenant Nates was part of the reason why she had distanced herself from him. Still he did not understand why she had run away that evening after Kesprytt. He knew that she loved him; he had felt it strongly when they were attached. Now he had almost never seen her during the past weeks and had never spoken to her outside of ship's business. He wondered if he could simply go to her quarters and visit her or invite her for breakfast the following day.

He just wanted to get p and send her a message when he heard his door chime.

"Come."

The doors opened to reveal Deanna Troi. She stepped inside and looked directly at her captain.

"Do you have a minute, sir? I really need to talk to you. It's important."

Jean- Luc was surprised to receive her visit this late at night. She showed her to the couch.

"Yes, by all means. Have a seat. Do you want anything to drink?"

"Thank you, hot chocolate would be nice." Picard smiled at her choice. He went to the replicator and ordered her drink and an Earl Grey tea for himself, then took a seat opposite to Deanna.

"Now counselor, what can I do for you?"

Deanna moved uneasily in her seat. She didn't know how to start. She knew that this was private and that the friendship between Beverly and Jean- Luc had changed since Kesprytt, even though she did not know why. Then there were Picard's dates with Lieutenant Nates. Still he was her only hope as he was the only one who had a chance to get through to Beverly and who she would listen to.

"I don't quite know how to start. I am not even a hundred percent sure myself. It's just- call it intuition. I mean, I don't sense anything…." Picard looked at her kindly.

"Counselor, just say it straight away. What is wrong?" Deanna sighed.

"It's Beverly. I am worried about her. As I said I cannot sense anything from her because she always hides her emotions from me, but still I have a feeling that something is very wrong with her. I met her in the corridor today as she was on the way to her quarters. I can't even tell what exactly worried me so much but something about her was different. She looked the same and yet changed. It's also the way she behaves lately. She never spends time with me anymore and then when I tried to talk to her she just said something about wanting to go to bed early and left me standing there. She never did that before- especially not when we haven't talked to each other for so long. It's just not like her."

Deanna felt Picard's uneasiness; she felt how worried he was and how much he loved Beverly. Mentioning her name was all it took to set lose all these emotions that he had tightly packed inside. She knew that despite of whatever happened between the two of them, he still cared a lot.

"I'm not sure what to say. I haven't seen her in quite a while. I was busy with work and…" His voice trailed off as he thought of his dates. Deanna could feel he was uncomfortable about this and that he even regretted having dated this woman.

"Captain, you know how stubborn Beverly can be when it comes to problems. She almost never admits that she has any. She is very strong, but sometimes even a woman like her needs help. I don't know what is going on with her but I can tell that she won't talk to me about it. But I do know that she loves you very much and if anyone can help her right now, it's you. I want to ask you, to go to her and talk to her. Find out what is wrong. Please. I am really scared for her."

She had felt Picard's happiness as she told him of Beverly's love. Everyone on board knew that they were in love, but nevertheless they did not seem to be able to get together.

"Thank you for telling me, Deanna. This means a lot to me, because I really do care about Beverly- deeply. I was just about to invite her to- "He stopped as he saw Deanna shrunk suddenly. She looked as if she had just been hit by something.

"Counselor, what's the matter?"

It took a while before Deanna had managed to pull up her mental walls and was able to speak.

"I suddenly sensed strong emotions- there was so much pain and fear and then I also felt relief. It …it was Beverly, I am sure that this came from her. Something is VERY wrong. I had no idea. Please Captain, go to her. She needs you."

Picard was alarmed. If Deanna felt these powerful things, he was sure, Beverly was in trouble. He had promised to go to Beverly the first thing in the morning, for now as the computer had told him, she was asleep. Deanna had left.

The more he thought about it the more he realized that he never saw Beverly anymore at poker evenings or in ten forward. She seemed to have faded from sight. He checked the logs to see how much time she spent in sickbay and was shocked about what he saw. During the past three weeks she had not taken a single day off and had spent over twelve hours daily in sickbay. _Why did I not notice this sooner?_ He felt guilty for having spent so much time with Sara Nates while Beverly probably needed him. As a captain all this time Beverly had worked gave him reason enough to relieve her of duty for at least one day.

_I had reason enough to go on a date, after all was Beverly the one who walked out on me!_

No matter how he tried to turn it, the guilt stayed. He could not endure the thought that the love of his life was in pain. It didn't matter if she walked out or not. He had let her go.

_We have to talk about this. I need to know where I stand with her. _

He sent Beverly an invitation for breakfast and then went to bed. He would ask her what was wrong and deal with it. And then they would find a way to save their friendship.

With that Jean- Luc fell into a restless sleep.

To be continued…..


	2. Chapter 2

**As Jean- Luc** Picard lay sleeping in his bed, Beverly woke, shaken by a nightmare. It was 0230 hours in the morning and she had only slept about four hours. It had been the same dream. It was always the same scene that was haunting her.

She felt dizzy as she got up and with that the disgust and shame about what she had done the evening before filled her mind. _Why didn't I resist? I have to stop this!_

She had promised herself so many times now that this time would be the last and that she would get better but so far she had not managed to keep those promises.

As she moved to the sofa she saw a lamp on her computer terminal blink. She activated the computer and found a message from Jean- Luc waiting for her:

_Beverly_

_I know we haven't spent much time together lately. I don't want this to continue. Besides, I miss my favorite breakfast companion! So would you please join me tomorrow morning? _

_ Jean- Luc_

She was not sure what to answer. Her first impulse was to say yes. She missed him as well. But she had second thoughts- what happened to that woman from engineering? Did he actually mean what he said there? And above all: How could she show up at his door in her current state?

She decided that she would only bother him and because she did not want to do that, she sent her apologies and that she could not join him.

**As she had** not given him any reason for not wanting to have breakfast with him, Jean- Luc was surprised to read Beverly's message. He had thought that maybe if he took the first step by inviting her it would be easier for her to talk to him again. He wondered about the reason for her rejection. Surely she had heard about his break- up with Sara, hadn't she? Rumors spread fast on any ship and he was certain that nearly everyone knew about this affair of his, even though he avoided the topic at all costs.

He decided to give it another shot. He sent Beverly a second message, regretting that she seemed to be busy and inviting her to dinner instead. He again made sure that he put emphasis on the fact that he really wanted to see her again.

Sending the message he remembered all the things that Deanna had told him the night before and was determined to visit Beverly in her quarters if she excused herself again. He knew that she would be in sickbay all day and relieving her of duty or question her in front of everyone there would certainly not be the right way to handle this matter. So all he could do was to wait for an answer and try to calm down his mind.

However hard he had tried to busy his mind during the day he had not been able to get Beverly out of his head. Deanna had reminded him again of his promise by just looking at him and he felt just how urgent this was to her. Once his shift was over he stopped in front of Beverly's quarters suddenly debating if he should call on her. He knew that he promised to do so and the fact that she had canceled dinner troubled him immensely but then he still hoped that all of this would be false alarm and he would find an exhausted Beverly Crusher sitting on her couch, drinking a cup of tea and kicking him out for not giving her a moment's peace.

Jean- Luc chose to calm his conscience and to finally resolve things with Beverly. He pressed the door chime twice but no one answered.

"Computer: location of Doctor Crusher."

"Doctor Crusher is in her quarters."

"Is she asleep?"

"No, Doctor Crusher is awake."

He then used his override code to enter her quarters and found them in darkness.

**It had been** a rough day. After she had sent her excuses to Jean- Luc she had received another message from him in the morning asking her to dinner. She had deliberated the entire morning about what she could possibly answer him. Finally she had written something about having too much work and not being able to make it in time. She just could not face him at the moment. Why didn't he understand that? She had already barely escaped a trip to the bridge today, having send Nurse Andrews. Beverly knew well that she could not hide forever and she needed to stop with what she was doing, but how could you stop if that would take so much more energy than you got? After her shift in sickbay was over, well actually it was more like a double shift or even more, she had gone back to her quarters.

She had taken a shower and then cleaned her closet just to keep herself from cutting again. She needed the relief to get rid of this tight knot that had formed in her stomach. Nothing had helped. This knot had just gotten bigger and bigger and seemed to consume all of her.

She looked at the pictures on her desk. There was one of Wesley and one that showed her and Jean-Luc. She felt the tears coming as she thought of what she had lost. She hated being alone. She desperately wanted someone to hold her, to make her feel safe and to help her. She needed to talk to someone but after all she was all alone. Wesley was far away, everyone had a family or a partner, even Jean- Luc had found someone. At last she couldn't resist anymore and as the urge inside of her took over she entered her bathroom and took her blade.

**Jean- Luc looked** around the empty room. He ordered the lights to 50 but still could not make out her form anywhere.

"Beverly? Are you here?"

He perceived a slight sound coming from the bathroom and walked towards it.

**Beverly panicked as** she heard Jean- Luc's voice outside the bathroom door. She hurried to put away her blade and clean up the tub. Not having the time to heal the cut completely, she sealed it quickly and pulled her sleeve over it. Only then did she call out to him.

"I'm coming!"

**Jean- Luc did** not fail to notice the nervousness in her voice and wondered about the cause of it. He did not have to wait long until Beverly came out of the bathroom and met him. What he saw shocked him. She was pale even though the noticed her make- up. She also seemed to have lost a bit of weight and the dark circled under her eyes were clearly evident.

"Beverly, what is going on? I am sorry to intrude like this but I am truly concerned about you." She looked at him and tried to answer.

"Jean- Luc I'm fi…."She could not finish the sentence. He noticed how her eyes lost focus and suddenly she fainted and fell.


	3. Chapter 3

**Jean- Luc caught** her just in time before she hit the floor. He was shocked about how thin she had become. She weighed so little and he could feel her bones even under all the clothing she seemed to wear. He tapped his combadge to call for a transport.

"Two to beam directly to sickbay!"

Immediately after he had spoken the order he felt the transporter beam grip them.

**Dr. Selar took** things over as soon as they arrived and now all he could do was to wait. He had set her down on a biobed and from the door of the private area where she was in he watched Dr. Selar hover around her. Now that her clothes were removed and she was covered with only a blanket, he saw for the first time what he had suspected earlier.

In need for a cup of tea he moved to her office and decided to stay there and wait until Selar was finished. He paced back and forth not able to sit down for just a second. His mind raced. What was going on here?

When Doctor Selar finally entered he looked at her questioningly but could not read the Vulcan's expression.

"Doctor, I don't understand this. What is wrong with her?"

"Captain, There are various things that I have taken care of. Dr. Crusher is drastically malnourished and underweight and also anemic. These factors are the reason why she passed out earlier. At the moment she gets the nutrients and fluids which she badly needs. I have given her a sedative that will allow her to sleep until I am more content with her condition."

Picard looked at her in disbelief. How could this be possible? Beverly was the finest Doctor and would know if something was wrong. She would never let something like this happen.

Selar seemed to have read his mind.

"Captain, I know that this is hard to understand. However I have noticed something else about her, which may be an explanation at least for her anemia." She stopped as Jean- Luc's facial expression showed fear, but then decided that it would be best to tell him straightly.

"I have discovered numerous cuts on her arm. She already treated most of them herself but the dermal regenerator she used to do that was rather small and therefore did not allow her to prevent all scarring. "

Jean- Luc gasped for air as the truth hit him.

"Are you trying to tell me that she cut herself?" Selar nodded.

"That seems to be the case. I am not qualified enough to explain the why to you; I would suggest that you talk to Counselor Troi about that.

For now she is asleep and needs rest. I can release her tomorrow at the earliest. If you want to visit her you can do so but do not disturb her sleep."

"Of course, Doctor. Thank you." Picard's voice was only a whisper. He could not believe what he had just heard. _How can this be?_

**He walked out** of sickbay heading for Deanna Troi's quarters. He knew it was already late but he had to talk to her tonight. He did not even bother to ask the computer if the Counselor was awake or not, instead he simply pressed the door chime and waited for Deanna to open him, secretly hoping that this was all just a nightmare.

He could still see Beverly's face as she fainted in front of him. Why hadn't he noticed sooner? Why hadn't he spent more time with her? Why hadn't he…?

His thoughts were interrupted as the doors slid suddenly open. They revealed a tired- looking Deanna Troi.

**As soon as** Deanna had fully realized who was standing in front of her she shook all signs of tiredness off of her and concentrated on her senses. She instantly felt Picard's distress and knew that this was an emergency.

"Captain! What's wrong? Am I needed somewhere? Just give me a second to get ready." Picard raised his hands to show her that this was of a different nature.

"No, Counselor. There is no need for this. I want to talk to you. I'm sorry to disturb you at this hour but I truly need an advice. Can I come in?"

"Of course." Deanna showed the Captain to her sofa.

"Can I offer you a drink?"

"Earl Grey, hot." He answered automatically.

Deanna got the tea for the Captain and a cup of hot chocolate for herself. She sat down in front of him.

"This is about Beverly, right?" She felt the Captain's mixture of uneasiness, confusion, fear and concern.

He sighed deeply before he answered. "Yes, you're right. I have taken her to sickbay. Doctor Selar is taking care of her."

Now it was Deanna's turn to show concern. "Oh my gosh, what happened?"

Again Picard sighed before he continued.

"Well, after you talked to me the other evening I tried to contact Beverly. I invited her for breakfast and then for dinner, she excused herself both times. I was worried about her and decided to visit her just to make sure everything is alright. I went to her quarters in the evening and as she did not open I used my override to enter. He quarters were dark and I could not find her immediately. I then heard a noise coming from the bathroom and called out. Shortly after that she emerged from the bathroom." He paused.

Deanna could feel that this was hard for him. She did now know yet what exactly had happened and waited patiently for him to go on.

"Deanna, she looked horrible. So pale and sick. She tried to tell me that she was fine but before she could finish the sentence she fainted. I caught her and then took her to sickbay.

Doctor Selar then told me that she was malnourished, underweight and anemic, but that's not the worst. It seems that Beverly had cut herself. Selar found numerous scars on her arm. Deanna, why does she do something like that?"

Deanna Troi choked hard to stay calm. Never had she expected something like this. Of course she knew that this could happen to anyone but however concerned she was about Beverly, she had never even considered something like this. She slowly shook her head and sighed.

"I'm sorry. I know this is difficult to understand. All I can do is try to explain why someone would do it. Cutting or other forms of self- injury are ways of coping. Sufferers hurt themselves to deal with emotional pain or problems. The pain they feel while doing this gives them relief, some say that it even makes them feel alive. Usually the people who do this feel that they are alone and have no one to talk to even if this is not the case. Most of them are embarrassed by what they are doing which often results in withdrawal." She gave Picard some time to absorb the information before she went on.

"There are a lot of different ways of self- injury. Cutting is one of them. Other forms are burning, hitting, head- banging, hair- pulling or even bone- breaking. Someone who self injures has a lot of emotional pain. Usually they block the pain and suppress it as long as they can. At some point they built up so much inner pressure that for example cutting seems to be the only way to release it.

Don't get me wrong, this has nothing to do with being suicidal or insane or anything like that. It is as I said a coping mechanism."

Jean- Luc thought about all that he had just listened to. It all seemed so unreal. Ho was it possible that Beverly was involved in this?

"I can't believe this is happening. Why didn't I notice?" Deanna looked at him firmly.

"Captain, there is no way of knowing. Some carry on for years and still no one has any idea. They are masters at hiding. Wearing long sleeves, spending less time in public." Jean- Luc interrupted her.

"Do you think she could have done this for years?"

"No, I don't think so. I guess she started this a couple of weeks ago, shortly after you returned from Kesprytt." Jean- Luc did not look convinced.

"Why do you think so?" Deanna took another sip of her drink.

"Because after your return I have noticed changes about her. She did not talk to me anymore and seemed just different. I have told you about this before." Jean- Luc nodded.

"Okay, but what do we do now? How can we help her?"

"I think the most important thing is to show her that she is not alone. She needs to know that she can talk to us. She needs to know that you love her. You have to make her understand that there is nothing to be ashamed of. I know this is difficult but you are her best friend and the one person who can reach her when no one else can. We need to show her other ways of coping."

Deanna got up and went to her computer. She typed in a couple of commands and then took a padd and loaded some data on it. She moved back to Picard and handed the padd to him.

"Here. This is some more information on the subject. Read it tomorrow. It will help you to know as much as possible about it. I will be here to talk to Beverly and I will counsel her but I think you are the most important person. She needs you in her life just as you need her. "

Picard took the padd and got up.

"Thank you Deanna."

She gave him a hug before he left her quarters to spend the night reading.


	4. Chapter 4

_I's sorry that it always takes me so much time to add another chapter. I really do not know what will happen next in the story because the situation is completely new to me. Please be patient!_

_Thank you for all the kind reviews!I love you guys!_

**She slowly became** aware of the world around her though she did not know where she was. The faint noises and sounds were familiar but it still took her a few moments to realize that she was lying on a biobed in a private area of sickbay.

As she listened, her memory came back and she remembered all that had happened and all that had been done – even though she could not figure out how she had gotten here. She refused to open her eyes, not ready to face reality yet.

A soft voice interrupted her efforts to fall back asleep.

"Beverly - are you awake? Please open your eyes."

She recognized Jean- Luc immediately. _Why of all people is he here?_ He was the last person she wanted to see at that moment. She carefully opened her eyes to look at him.

"Welcome back." He smiled warmly and for just a moment she thought that he didn't know.

"How did….how long…" She tried to form the questions that were in her head but couldn't make it. He took her hand.

"You fainted in your quarters two days ago. I brought you here." He then grew more serious. "Beverly I know what you've been doing." She quickly looked away.

"There is no need to be embarrassed about it. I have spoken to Deanna and I have read a lot about the subject and I will help you. We are all here for you."

Still not looking at him she almost inaudibly asked "Who else?"

"Only Dr. Selar, Deanna and I know. I took care that this is kept off the records. You don't have to worry about that. Dr. Selar took care of the signs as well as the anemia and she gave you the nutrients you needed. "

He noticed her body shake with sobs she futilely tried to suppress. It broke his heart to see her like this. He took her in his arms and held her as she now openly cried against his shoulder. It took a while until her tears stopped and she pulled back from him.

"I'm sorry." She looked at the floor.

Jean- Luc cupped her face to meet her eyes.

"Don't ever be sorry for crying in front of me. I'll be there for you whenever you need me."

His own words painfully reminded him of all the times when he hadn't been there for her, when she needed help. He pushed the thought aside- guilt was not helping her right now.

They were silent for a while. Beverly did not know what to say. She felt ashamed and helpless. At this moment she only wanted to disappear. She decided that leaving sickbay would be best.

"Can I go to my quarters?" Jean- Luc took a breath not quite sure how to explain.

"Dr. Selar told me that you could leave today…but she wants you to have someone around who takes care of you." Beverly quickly looked down. _Oh no!_

"I am perfectly able of taking care of myself! This really isn't necessary!" He did not answer immediately as he was well aware of the dangers that such an answer held.

Instead he took a minute and then spoke in a calm voice.

"Beverly, this isn't open to debate. If you want to leave sickbay then that is the deal. And if it helps- I already told Dr. Selar that I would stay with you."

For a minute she wasn't entirely sure if she could trust her ears. Did he really want to stay with her? She still had too little energy to fight at this point but that was clearly the last thing she wanted. Didn't he understand how much it hurt her to see him or just to think of him with another woman? And what would that person do when he was with her? Come and visit? No way. She would not be able to take that.

In a way is seemed funny to her that even in this situation the one thing she thought of was Jean- Luc's date. She usually would have been happy to spend time with Jean-Luc- more than happy. It was the thing she wanted most, but right now it seemed wrong. She was a mess. She had done all these things and put aside the fact that he clearly had moved on, she didn't want him to take care of her just because he felt pity for her.

But there wasn't much she could do about it now.

**They had walked** to her quarters in silence. Beverly didn't know what she should say and Jean- Luc didn't want to push her. He knew that she still needed time to deal with the situation.

Jean- Luc had prepared her quarters for her arrival. He wanted to make her feel more comfortable and had set up vases with flowers, most of them orchids, as he knew that she loved them, everywhere. It truly looked marvelous.

Beverly gasped as she entered and turned to Jean- Luc who nodded. For just a moment she forgot all that was past and was lost in her dreams.

However, her dreams didn't last long. She wasn't exactly sure what brought her back but suddenly the dream subsided and she was left with the cold shapes of reality.

"Would you like some tea?" She had forgotten that he was still there and frankly she did not feel like talking.

"No, thanks. I am rather tired. I think I will go to bed."

The room was empty. She hesitated to enter it. She stood at the door for a long time before she finally got herself to go in. Looking around she let her eyes wander. She saw the tub and the sink and remembered. The urge was growing again; she could it feel it in her stomach. She hastily ran out before it could take over.

**Jean- Luc sat** on her couch in the living area. Though he was well aware that Beverly needed time to deal with the situation herself he could not shake off the worry that gripped him. He wanted to talk to her, tell her that it would be alright, that they would find a solution. He wanted to know the why; he wanted to tell her how much he loved her.

All he could do was lay down on the sofa which served as is bed for the next couple of days and sleep, convinced that he couldn't do anything until tomorrow.


	5. Chapter 5

Hey guys. It's been an awful long time, hm? I am truly sorry that it takes me so long to write a chapter or rather to upload it. I am in Madrid right now, working as an Au pair and have little time to write at all. Also, I finished this quite a while ago, but as you can't really use usb sticks in internet cafes and I don't have internet on my pc, I am usually not able to upload anything. Please don't be angry with me.  thanks

**It was dark**. Beverly breathed heavily, her fear still present. It had been the same dream.

It always started the same way. She was happy. She was with the one person she loved and everything was fine. Then all of a sudden she would be alone. She would cry out but no one would hear her, no one would answer. She would look around and see a blood red sky and crimson water around her- she was drowning. That was the point when she woke up.

She was sweating and tears now started to flow as small sobs shook her body. She wanted to follow her nightly ritual. She wanted to have a cup of tea, sit on the sofa in her living area and then wait for the night to end.

Suddenly she heard a noise as Jean- Luc, woken by her crying, rose and came to her bed. She quickly lay back and closed her eyes so she wouldn't have to talk to him, but it was useless. Of course he had noticed- how could he not?

She wanted to believe him so badly. He had said that it would all be okay. But how could she do that? There was this other woman, there were all these obstacles. He would leave her to stay with whatever her name was as soon as she got a little better- or he gave up. She had always told herself that tomorrow would be better but there was no way she could believe these words anymore.

She didn't know what would happen now. What should she do; what would he do? The eternity of seconds passed in a blink of an eye and suddenly he was there. So close. He sat down beside her and his hand reached out to touch her.

**He could feel** her shrink as his hand touched her shoulder. He softly turned her around only to see her teary eyes. He pulled her in his embrace and the fact that she immediately pulled away and got up surprised him.

"What is wrong? Have you had a nightmare?" She did not look at him. Instead she walked to the sofa and sat down, staring at the stars that passed her window.

He slowly moved towards her, afraid to push her.

"Can't you tell me, Beverly?"

Then he heard her voice, shaky and almost inaudible.

"Why would I tell you of all persons?"

At first he thought that he had misunderstood her. Surely she could not really mean what she had said there, could she?

"What do you mean? I am you friend, aren't I? I care about you- deeply. Beverly, please tell me what is going on, please let me help you."

Then she turned around. He skipped one heartbeat at the hurt he saw in her eyes.

"Jean- Luc, are you that blind? Don't you understand that this is killing me? I cannot believe that you actually think you can just walk into my quarters and everything is fine again. How did you expect to help me anyway? Do you want to stay here and watch me every single minute and have her visit you here?" Part of the hurt now turned into anger as she kept on talking but the tears still ran down her face. "Do you really think that this is going to work? Shall I leave to give you two some privacy?... Jean- Luc, please…just leave me alone."

She turned away from him again. She didn't want to say more- she just wanted to be alone.

It took a few minutes for him to fully understand what he had just heard. The realization hit him like punch right in his face. How could he just have been this STUPID? Why didn't he notice, why didn't he talk to her?

"Oh my god." She didn't react, still waiting for him to leave. Tears were still in her eyes and she wished that she could find relief.

However Jean- Luc did not intend to go anywhere. He sat down on the sofa next to her and slowly began to talk.

"Beverly, I am so sorry for all the hurt I have caused you. I promised to be there for you and yet it seems that I did just the opposite. I cannot imagine how you must have felt all this while. But please believe me that I am not as bad as you think I am. Every word that I said to you is true. I care for you, you are my best friend. You are more than just my best friend. I want to help you get through this. I thought that staying with you would be the best. I had no idea you didn't know and I am sorry. I broke up with Sara quite a while ago. It didn't feel right. I knew that she could never have my heart. I gave my heart away a long time ago and I never fully realized it. Beverly I love you. You are the only person I ever loved and ever will love. To see you like this hurts me more than I am able to say and the thought of loosing you just kills me. I know that the road ahead is rocky but if you want me to, I will walk with you."

**A sob escaped** her lips. She wasn't sure if she was awake, she wasn't sure if she had not just dreamt all of this. Could it be true? Had he really just admitted that he loved her and that he had broken up with this woman?

Slowly she turned around. She was scared that he wouldn't be there, afraid this was indeed just the result of her imagination. But as she turned to face him, he was still there. He smiled warmly and raised a hand to wipe the tears off her eyes.

Then she fell into his embrace and he held her close. She hadn't realized until now how badly she had needed to be held by someone. It was then, when she felt loved again for the first time in what seemed like a lifetime.

**That night she** slept in his arms. She woke up the next morning and actually felt rested and safe. He mind had been too occupied to trouble her with nightmares. She hadn't told him of them anyway and now just hoped that they were gone for good.

Maybe now that she had found her love it was over; maybe she could live a normal life again. Jean- Luc had taken a day off and as she had been ordered to take some time off anyway they spend it together.

He had created a wonderful program for the holodeck for her. It was a countryside on earth and he took her horse riding and they spent hours talking. The atmosphere was so relaxed and refreshing that neither of noticed how Beverly avoided the subject of her problems and what happened during the past months.

At the end of the day they both felt happiness. They sat at the dinner table and enjoyed their food. Jean- Luc was glad to see Beverly eating. She already looked better even though he knew from Deanna that her recovery would take time.

"Jean- Luc….Jean- Luc?" Her voice ripped him out of his thoughts.

"I'm sorry. What is it?" She smiled.

"Nothing important. I'm just tired. I think I will go to bed." She had already got up and taken their plates to the replicator.

"Oh, okay. Where do you want to sleep?" He paused, a smile on his lips.

"You know, my bed is bigger than yours."

She laughed. "Point taken. I will just go and get my stuff." And with that she left.

**When she entered** her quarters, she quickly ordered the lights on. She immediately walked to her closet and took out some clothes and then opened a bag and put the clothes inside of it. Now all she needed were a few things she had in her bathroom. She hurried to get the things out but couldn't help it as a wave hit her. She was once again caught in that dark cloud and felt the urge to cut in her stomach. It was small but its presence scared her. Suddenly she thought about Jean- Luc and though she had had this wonderful day with him she feared to lose him. Was she good enough?

She looked at herself in the mirror and saw a tear roll down her face. She turned around to finish packing her bag but accidentally dropped her cosmetic bag on the floor. She shrieked at the noise and kneeled to collect her things but instead started sobbing.


	6. Chapter 6

**When she entered** her quarters, she quickly ordered the lights on. She immediately walked to her closet and took out some clothes and then opened a bag and put the clothes inside of it. Now all she needed were a few things she had in her bathroom. She hurried to get the things out but couldn't help it as a wave hit her. She was once again caught in that dark cloud and felt the urge to cut in her stomach. It was small but its presence scared her. Suddenly she thought about Jean- Luc and though she had had this wonderful day with him she feared to lose him. Was she good enough?

She looked at herself in the mirror and saw a tear roll down her face. She turned around to finish packing her bag but accidentally dropped some items she had held in her hand on the floor. She shrieked at the noise and kneeled to collect the things but instead started sobbing.

It all sounded hollow. The words spoken- they didn't make sense anymore. She had often drifted off while she had been with Jean- Luc wondering if she was good enough if all of this was real. Suddenly bereft of all confidence she even questioned Jean- Luc. Did he meant what he's said? Still she had managed to always push these thoughts aside. Now as she entered her quarters, especially her bathroom, the feelings returned and she was not able to fight them off.

She wanted to cut.

She needed to cut.

Somewhere in the back of her mind it registered that she could as well go to Jean- Luc, that he would help her but her shyness and shame won over as she frantically searched for her blade, occasionally wiping the tears off her eyes.

She opened her bathroom cabinet, where she had always kept it, and searched through all the things that were in there. Her blade was nowhere in sight.

Then she looked under the sink and in the shower and everywhere else in the small room- nothing. Slowly she began to panic, doubting her own senses. The room was left in a complete chaos when she finally entered her bedroom and living area again. She was absolutely certain that she had always put the blade back into her bathroom cabinet. Beverly sank down on her couch, holding her head in her hands. Tears were escaping from her closed eyes and she felt herself unable to move.

She didn't know how much time had passed when the sound of the door chime ripped her out of the detached state she was in.

Apparently she had waited too long to answer the door as it opened by itself. She knew immediately that it was Jean- Luc who had once again used his override code to let himself in. She was uncertain whether to feel relieved or even more nervous and agitated. The urge to cut was still somewhat present and she was desperate.

**Jean- Luc spotted** her sitting on the couch but he also noticed the chaos her quarters were in. It hit him instantly what she had been trying to find and the thought broke his heart.

Tranquilly he moved to her side and wrapped her in his arms.

"Oh Beverly… Why didn't you call me?"

She shivered in his arms, not daring to look at him. He hugged her closer and then cupped her face so he could look into her eyes. When he saw her pain he kissed her forehead and hugged her again.

"Please talk to me. I love you, Beverly and I want to help you."

He waited patiently as she gathered the strenght to speak.

"I … I couldn't call you. I packed my things and then suddenly the feelings came back and I ..I …I felt …feel it again. I wanted to to take the blade but it wasn't there. I was just gone and I can't remember where I put. I'm going crazy….I just…I don't know."

Jean- Luc held her in his arms and contemplated on what he should say. He decided to be straightforward honest with her.

"Beverly, you are not crazy. When you were in sickbay I removed all sharp objects from you quarters. I was scared and wanted to make sure that you couldn't accidentally hurt yourself even more seriously. I'm sorry that I did not tell you anything about that." He paused as Beverly cried openly. When she seemed to have calmed down a bit he continued. "When you left tonight I remembered it and hoped that being here would not be triggering for you. I waited for you and when you didn't return I came to check on you."

She didn't respond but stayed quiet. With his words Jean-Luc had taken some of her nervousness and she loved being close to him. Finally he spoke again.

"Come on. We will pack your things together and then get you out of here." Silently she nodded her agreement and he was thankful to see that. "How about you go and get some clothes and I'll get the things from you bathroom?"

Jean- Luc gave her another reassuring hug and then got up and went into her bathroom to collect the pieces she had thrown on the floor. A glance over his shoulder told him that she had gone to her closet and quietly removed some of her clothes.

Five minutes later they had placed all items into a bag and were on their way back to his quarters.


End file.
